oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
