It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
