Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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