A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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