Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
