Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
