Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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