How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
