You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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