You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
