the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
