Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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