I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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