Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
