after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
God, I missed his penis.
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