I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
