textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
