Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
