i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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