Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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