he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
