Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
