hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
