i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
