On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
