i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
