Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
