I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
