Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
