I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
