I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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