Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
