When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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