I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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