Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
