Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She's like a pop up book from hell.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize