The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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