i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I am available for nakedness
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
