Well apparently he's into motor boating.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize