she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
