i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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