the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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