Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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