my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
