i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize