my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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