I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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