Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I understand Curling. That high.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
