the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
