The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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