theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
