Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
