Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
