Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
