why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
