i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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