He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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