Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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