What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
