I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
