I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
