FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
