He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
