I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
the liver wants what the liver wants
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
